What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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