dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
its liver damage thursday
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
