Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
