I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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