she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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