Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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