I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
