Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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