im about as happy as oj after his trial
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I will be naked everywhere
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
