How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
