the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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