you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
