What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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