i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
