ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
