it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
