I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
