he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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