I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
