I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
