I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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