Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
