I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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