Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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