Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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