Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Randomize
