god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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