Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
