I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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