today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
