you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
