If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
