I'm jealous of your bromance
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What a dumb baby whore.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
