Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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