So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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