i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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