we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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