My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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