I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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