I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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