Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
