Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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