there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
