so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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