saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
