they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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