Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
