I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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