her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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