I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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