My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
